Because there are things that are easier to write than to say.

Hi.

I know what’s going on guys. I know that some of you, my classmates and schoolmates are back reading my blog. I know that some of you are talking about my posts. But what I don’t know is that why can’t some of you understand the catch phrase, ‘What’s on tumblr, stays on tumblr.’

I read all my posts this evening and I realized how emotional unwell I’ve become. I wrote nonsense things. And so I deleted all of them.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because I want to express my thoughts and doubts in a mature and convincing way. I want to make it easy for my friends to let them understand my reactions to some of the things they did and said, so they could see things from my point of view. I don’t know. Whatever.

You see, person who is currently reading this, I’m always in deep thinking. I don’t know if you have felt like this before but isn’t it so hard when there are feelings left unsaid, words left unspoken and thoughts unheard? It’s killing me inside and out. It’s eating me up inside like I murdered someone or like I have a huge case in the court. There’s a part of me that’s demanding for freedom. A part of me that wants to break free and stand out—but I can’t because it’s complicated. I’m trying to hide it away but the more I store it and keep it locked, the more it grows and blazes with intensity. That’s why I created this blog. To escape reality. To express the things I can’t express in the real world.

I tried to hide this blog but still…

I am a demon. I’m a very selfish person. I should be hated by a lot of people.

I remember what D told me a while ago. I don’t have the right to tell my best friend those things. Sigh. He doesn’t really know what’s happening. I’ve said it in that post right? I don’t have the right and I’m not in the position to say those things. I know I went too far when I mentioned the whole ‘I don’t like you for her’. And I feel really bad.

Plus, when B told me about C balancing the relationship, she asked me if I really am C’s best friend. That hurt because honestly, I don’t know if she does treat me as her best friend. I hate thisss.

Few days ago, I posted something about someone. I know I said I wasn’t sorry but I am now. I guess I overreacted. Don’t worry. You should’ve seen my other post. The I’m not really competitive. I’m a coward. And a loser too. If I see someone, who’s making you a lot happier than I do, I’d back up because I’ll assume you want that person a lot more. I’m that sensitive. Although it’ll hurt—seeing someone but me—making you happy, I’ll leave it to them to keep you entertained. I don’t like the feeling of being unwanted or being just second best. I’m a very jealous person and I hate it. I don’t have the right to be, but still I do. After all, I do have feelings.’ thing, I think it’s for you too.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I am so weird. 

I don’t know why I’m leaving. I don’t know why I’m writing this. The thoughts inside my head are a mess.

I’m gonna leave messages:

I’m gonna miss this. Them. My tumblr friends, family.

ceeeey and napakagulongkausap,

I know you guys know what I’m trying to say. Thank you. For everything.

Dear C,

If you ever get the chance to read this. Hi. Haha. Don’t worry my lips are now sealed. I’m not gonna interfere with whatever’s going on with your life. I never did right? Just once and twas about that one little opinion. But it became such an issue to all of you so…I’m done. Sorry. Please don’t think about what L told you. Make your own decisions sweetie. Love you.

Dear friends in the real world (if you are my friends),

I’m not perfect. I’m clumsy and goofy. I’m also hard headed most of the time and I know that really irritates everyone. I just want you guys to accept me for being perfectly imperfect. Please don’t make me change my attitude, I’m not perfect and don’t expect me to be. I always commit mistakes so I just want you guys to know that I’m sorry and please don’t get mad when I do. I love you guys. I want you to be with me always. I want you guys to accept me for who I am. I want you guys to be my friends forever and always.

Hey,

I know this is weird but you already know I’m weird too right? And yes, I will keep in mind the thing you told me. That no matter what happens I’ll keep smiling, stay happy and weird. Good bye for now. :)

-

You guys should know that you really don’t know me. My life is very complicated and I like to thank those people who made it even more complicated than it was before. But you should know this, I don’t want to be left all alone. I fear oblivion. That’s one of the reasons why I’m like this.

PS. I don’t know if you’re getting my point but I want you guys to know that I’m hopeless. I’m not easy to understand. I’m emotionally unwell like i’m fifty shades of fucked up but totally different and I don’t know what to do. I’m too difficult to understand. I know. I’ve tried.

I guess I’m leaving ‘iamastrawberrymonster’. Maybe I’ll use my anon blog. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll go back to using my blogspot account. Maybe not. Who knows. Haha. Maybe I’ll return. Someday. Meh.

PSS. I’m wont deactivate this blog. I just deleted the messages and posts in it. Don’t worry I’m not deleting and I wont forget the memories I’ve had with this blog. I’ll leave it like this. With this last post of mine.

I’m always the bad guy right? Well, you should’ve kept things here.

Sticking my tongue out,

Ada xx